


Only On HGTV

by chibi_nightowl



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Established Relationship, First Time Home Buying, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:02:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28745169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi_nightowl/pseuds/chibi_nightowl
Summary: Dick and Jason are in the market to buy their first home together. It goes about as well as expected until Bruce steps in to help. Then things really go to hell.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Comments: 22
Kudos: 220





	Only On HGTV

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nykyrianne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nykyrianne/gifts).



> Fun fact: After my doc was finished (and beta read by the lovely bumpkin and amazing txbookeater), I wrote this entire story out by hand in a series of blank cards to send to my friend Nyk. It took seven cards and about as many weeks when it was all said in done. Because really, who doesn't like getting mail that isn't a bill?

Dick knows as soon as he enters the study he's not going to like what Bruce is about to say. Beside him, Jason is already tense, but is keeping a rein on his emotions, trying for impassive and mostly succeeding. The last time they were called in here like this, it was just after their announcement that they’d been dating for a year.

Behind the desk, Bruce makes a pretense of looking up like he didn't know precisely when the two of them stepped foot on the Wayne estate. “Hello, boys,” he greets them and gestures to the two chairs already set before the desk. “Have a seat. There's something I'd like to discuss.”

Sitting down, Dick decides to pull a time-honored tradition and arches a brow. “Last time I checked, it's Tim who's supposed to be in the hot seat. Not us.” 

Jason snickers. “Still can’t believe the Pretender had the balls to do that.” 

Dick grimaces at Jason's choice of words. A few weeks ago, Tim, clearly in retaliation for being forced into replacing Bruce at a society event, got caught in a coat closet with Kon. The stories vary wildly about what exactly was going on, but Dick has it on good authority that Kon’s been banned from Gotham for the rest of the year, while Tim has taken to working remotely from San Francisco with no intention of returning until he gets an apology from Bruce.

It still hasn’t happened yet.

Bruce’s face tightens. “I will admit I didn’t handle that properly.”

“No kidding,” Dick replies. “But it’s not us who you should be saying that to.”

“I’m trying, but he won’t answer my calls.”

“I wouldn’t either,” Jason comments. “That still doesn’t explain why we’re here though.”

Bruce straightens and hands over two file folders. “Something came across my desk I thought might interest you.”

Accepting the file, Dick flips it open to reveal the HGTV logo. “What’s this?”

“You're still house hunting, right?”

“We are.”

It hasn’t been on the top of their to-do list since finding the time to check out listings together is few and far between. They do have a wishlist they’d like for their new house to have though. Single story, out in the suburbs with a yard, and a reasonable distance from any of the main arteries into Gotham are at the top of the list. Everything else, they can renovate or remodel on their own, eventually.

The small smile that appears on Bruce’s face is enough to raise the hair on the back of Dick’s neck. “Good.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jason retorts, frowning as he flips through the folder. “Is this some kind of publicity stunt?”

“I might have mentioned that you’re looking for a house to our PR team during our last meeting,” Bruce explains. “One of them—I’m not naming names—knows a marketing director at HGTV.”

Dick’s stomach sinks while Jason groans. “B, you know we’re looking for a home to actually  _ live _ in, right? How can we do that if it’s featured on TV?”

“It’s not as though they feature the address,” Bruce states bluntly. “Besides, you won’t have to live there. Make a pretense of picking out some wreck to remodel, let them flip it with your input and money, then after the big reveal, sell it.” 

“So it  _ is _ a publicity stunt.” Dick closes the folder and shakes his head. “Bruce, come on. Don’t do this to us.”

Standing, Bruce walks over to the sideboard where he keeps a decanter of bourbon. “Do this and I swear that when you get married, you can do whatever you want for the wedding. I won’t interfere,” he says, pouring out three glasses.

Dick’s eyes narrow. “You’re assuming we’d let you interfere—”

Jason holds up a hand, forestalling the rant. “Ask Diana to officiate the ceremony and you’ve got a deal.”

“She’d do it if either of us asked,” Dick says, turning his attention on his partner. “You know that.”

“I know, but I want Bruce to do it.” Jason’s grin grows sharp. “I want him to ask. Nicely.”

Bruce suddenly looks tired. Good. “I suppose you want Donna and Cassie to be your flower girls too?”

Jason scoffs. “Don’t be ridiculous, B. If anyone’s gonna be throwing flowers around in a puffy pink dress, it’ll be you.”

* * *

That evening in their apartment, Dick reads through the dreaded folder while Jason makes dinner. The little kitchen barely fits him, let alone two large men, so he sits at the rickety dining table in the corner of the living room commenting on the material.

“So it looks like we’ll be on some special featuring the rich and famous,” he says, raising his voice to be heard over the loud sizzle of cooking chicken. 

“They’ve got the wrong guys for that.” Jason doesn’t turn his attention from braising collard greens in another pan.

“Yeah, no kidding.” The two of them were about as low-key as could be considering they were both heirs to a massive fortune. “Looks like Bruce put down for us that we’re looking for something normal though and that some renovations aren’t a deal breaker.”

Jason snorts loudly. “Like we can’t do all of that ourselves. Considering some of the hidey holes we need, it’s better that we do.”

Shrugging, Dick lowers the folder. “Yeah, but I have to admit, I’m curious to see what happens.”

“How so?”

“We give them a list of specs that we want, they do all the work, and get us a list of places. Saves us a bunch of time and, if there’s one that we really do like, we buy that too and remodel it to our liking.”

Jason nods thoughtfully as he removes the chicken from the pan to let it rest on the cutting board. “That’s not a bad idea. I like it.”

“Me too.” Dick stands and goes to lean against the entrance to the kitchen. “So that’s the plan then?”

“Yeah. Let’s do it.”

* * *

As soon as Jason shakes the hand of the HGTV director, he’s certain this whole experience is going to suck. The hostess isn’t too bad, but the entire production crew with all the lights and cameras, not to mention microphone booms, is enough to drive a man insane. The last time he was the focus of this much attention, he’d been legally brought back to life. Then again, Dick had been with him at the time, just like he is now.

The older man shares a smile that’s just this side of tight, a clear indication he isn’t enjoying this either.

When the cameras start to roll though, Dick puts on his game face and Jason steels himself to do the same.

“Hello, and welcome to Gotham City, New Jersey,” the hostess announces and rattles into a brief spiel of just who the two of them are. “Dick and Jason are engaged and, in what will likely be one of the biggest events of the year, will be married in May. They’re looking for their first real home together and I must say, I was expecting something rather different.” 

Her gaze lands on them and Dick picks up the lead-in as naturally as if he were swinging through the air. “That’s right. Despite our bank accounts, Jay and I have very simple tastes. Not that we don’t mind splurging on a few extras.” 

He grins at Jason, who recognizes his cue. Smirking, he says, “Like an extra large shower. Or a three-car garage with enough space for my workbench,” he adds because this is supposed to be a family friendly show.

“I highly doubt we’ll find anything with high enough ceilings for my aerialist equipment,” Dick quips.

The hostess laughs. “Well, Dick, I’m good, but I’m not a miracle worker. Still, I think you’ll both be happy with some of the places we found. Let’s head out and take a look!”

Jason makes sure the cameras are off before he mutters  _ joy _ under his breath. 

* * *

The first house doesn’t suck, much to his surprise. While Jason marvels at the spacious kitchen, Dick shows off for the camera and cartwheels through the empty living room. 

“I like the space,” he announces, catching Jason’s eye. 

He does too. “But it  _ is _ two stories,” he feels the need to point out as he checks under the sink for leaks. “Your knees, remember?”

Dick pulls a face. “I’m going to run into the same problem with a basement.”

Which is actually a rather big requirement on their vigilante wishlist. 

“I’m surprised by how few single level homes are on the market in this area,” the hostess chimes in. “Perhaps a custom build might be the solution.”

Jason can just see the dollar signs in her eyes at the suggestion. Fuck that. “I want to see upstairs,” he announces, broadcasting his words so the camera crew moves with him.

The stairs are carpeted, which is a big  _ no _ in his book. In fact, most of the house is. They’d need to rip that all up and lay new flooring that’s a lot friendlier to random blood-splatter. Not to mention replacing all the windows and half the wiring…

But that’s a given with any house they buy.

He sighs as he takes in the cheerful soft yellow on the walls of the master bedroom. Can’t forget the painting either.

* * *

The first house is only okay despite the open floor plan on the main floor. The second one has some promise, even if the backyard patio has to be utterly demolished and rebuilt.

However, the third house has Dick stopping in the foyer and taking a good look around. It’s a single level, the only one they’ve seen, so he suspects their hostess of showing them this house last on purpose. Which is a damned shame because it’s actually looking pretty perfect.

Wide open floor plan, no carpet to be seen, a modern kitchen with a nice little backsplash Jason will love even if he vehemently denies it. But it’s the  _ space _ that captures Dick’s attention the most. 

“Damn,” he hears Jason mutter over the running commentary from the hostess. “We got played.”

“No kidding.”

It would look strange if they pass up this house after it ticks so many of their boxes. And if what he’s seeing is right, the few boxes it doesn’t won’t be hard to fix. 

Dammit is right. 

The feeling only grows the more they prowl around. Dick catalogues points to nit-pick over just so he has something when asked. Even the ensuite bathroom in the master bedroom has no faults. If anything, it’s like it was designed exactly for them. 

Out on the patio, he leans against the railing and takes in the backyard. It’s nicely private, with mature trees lining the far edge of the property and a high cedar fence surrounding it all. 

“How old is this house?” Dick asks the hostess when she joins him. 

“About ten years,” she replies. “It was very recently remodeled and came on the market just as we were starting production on this episode.”

A small suspicion suddenly plants itself in Dick’s mind, but rather than pull a Bruce, he ignores it. For now. “I’ll admit, I’m trying very hard to find fault with this place.”

“I got one,” Jason states as he stomps out to join them. “Did you take a good look through those trees, Dickie?”

Frowning, he does just that. This particular subdivision is in Bristol and situated on a strip of land slightly more elevated than the surrounding community. The trees are full and it’s clear that care was taken to avoid cutting them down when this land was developed. But once Dick fully orients himself and uses a bit of imagination to picture them winter-bare, he knows exactly what’s within sight in the distance.

Wayne Manor. 

Or rather, the front gates because the grounds of the estate are extensive, but Dick bets if he were to grab a pair of binoculars, he’d spot the roof of the main house.

“Turn the cameras off,” he says in a low voice reminiscent of Nightwing’s commanding tone as he struggles to contain his temper.

“I don’t know what you mean?” the hostess tries, but Dick ignores her and walks down the stairs into the yard. He’s not sure who he’s more pissed at—himself for not seeing it sooner or Bruce.

Behind him, he hears Jason. “Turn the cameras off  _ now _ , or we’re walkin’ right out that door and not coming back.”

Dick ignores the flustered comments from the director and marches to the back fence, easily hauling himself up to get a better look through the tree trunks and foliage.

From below, he catches Jason approaching with a scowl that would do a thundercloud proud. 

“Some play, huh?” Jason comments, leaning against the fence. “I thought this area looked familiar. When Bruce first dragged me to the Manor, I’d wander up and down the streets with Ace to get a feel for the neighborhood. This area was just being built, and I remember standing somewhere around here looking out and thinkin’ to myself that the Manor was right over there.”

Dick balances easily on the fence. “This house, Jay. It’s too perfect. We’ve had our list for months on what we want in a home. That’s plenty of time for Bruce to get his hands on it and do…  _ this. _ ” His broad gesture encompasses the house and the nicely private yard.

“Do you think there’s even a show?” Jason asks with a glance back at the waiting crew. “Or is this all a set up?”

“There’s only one way to find out.” Dick pulls out his phone and calls the one person who knows absolutely everything.

Babs.

“Hey, Dick!” she answers, sounding slightly distracted. “How’s the filming going?”

“Peachy,” he bites out and puts the phone on speaker for Jason. “Babs, I need you to find out something for me, please.”

“Oh, I get a please. This must be important.”

Dick explains the situation he and Jason have found themselves in and by the end, his oldest friend is nearly as unhappy at Bruce as he is. 

“He wouldn’t  _ dare. _ ”

“It’s Bruce,” he retorts. “There’re very few lines he won’t cross.”

The sounds of rapid typing and muttered curses meet his ear. “It’s easier to get into HGTV’s network than it is to dig through Bruce’s files, so let’s see…”

It doesn’t take very long for Barbara to find what they’re looking for. “Okay, here’s the deal. The show is legit, but they actually passed on you two because your tastes don’t match your bank accounts. But there’s notes here that a higher up greenlighted you guys, even though this episode will never make the final cut to actually air.”

Jason sucks in a breath. “That fucker.”

Dick is inclined to agree. “Goddammit. Why the hell would Bruce do this?”

“You two are idiots,” comes Barbara’s reply. “I bet he did it because he knew you guys wouldn’t accept it otherwise.”

“It’s a  _ house _ ,” Dick states the obvious. “A house that Jason and I are more than capable of fixing up ourselves.”

“When?” Babs points out. “You’re a cop and a vigilante while Jason is a crime lord masquerading as a nightclub owner.”

“I haven’t been a crime lord since Dick and I came out,” Jason interjects. 

“Keep telling yourself that, Jay,” Barbara retorts without missing a beat. “My point is, you two have been trying to find a house for six months and now here’s the perfect home all ready and waiting for you to move in. It wouldn’t surprise me if as soon as you sign the papers, Tim comes over and shows you all the hidey holes.”

Dick’s anger drops from his boiling point down to a simmer. He’s still pissed off, but now he can see the gesture for what it is. Bruce is just trying to be a dad and failing, as per his usual, by going about it the entirely wrong way.

From Jason’s put out sigh, he does too. “I hate when you’re right.”

“I’m always right. I’d think you’d be used to it by now.”

* * *

As with any home sale, it takes some time for the papers to be drawn up, money to exchange hands, and for Jason and Dick to sign their lives away. Literally. 

Jason lowers the pen with a grimace. “I don’t think I’ve signed my name this many times in my life.”

Beside him, Dick nods his agreement. “I think I have a cramp.”

Later though, when they’re standing in the kitchen of their brand new home, all the anger and frustration that’s been lingering for the last month finally fades away. Jason leans against the kitchen island and watches as Dick does handstands in what will be their dining room. 

“When do you think he’s gonna show up?”

“Twenty says as soon as the sun’s down.”

“That’s a sucker’s bet.”

When Bruce arrives promptly at sunset, he uses the front door and even rings the bell. 

Jason looks up from the appliance list he’s making because those are the main items this house doesn’t have. Well, that and window blinds. Curtains are all well and good, but nothing trips up an unwelcome visitor like window blinds. “Guess he’s in civvies.”

“Guess so.” Dick heads to the foyer to let the pain in the ass inside.

There’s a pile of mixed emotions churning beneath the surface for them both, but Jason is quick to acknowledge this whole experience has hit Dick harder than him. From the start, he’s been suspicious, but Dick, as always, was willing to give it a chance. 

And yet again, Bruce blew it. Good intentions aside, it’s another prime example of Bruce just not  _ getting _ it.

Still, they did get a nearly perfect house out of the deal. 

Jason cracks up when Dick leads Bruce into the kitchen. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s called a housewarming gift,” Bruce states as he places a nicely potted houseplant on the counter.

“Beer would have been better.”

“Or fajita cheesesteaks,” Dick adds. 

“I thought those are for when you actually move in and need help?” There’s a hint of confusion in Bruce’s voice.

Jason doesn’t bother to try hiding his laugh. “Sure, B. When we move all the heavy stuff, you and Clark are the first people we’ll call.”

“I hope you do,” he replies.

The quietly earnest tone is enough to melt Dick if the stiff line of his shoulders relaxing is any indication. He nudges their father figure and gives him an arch look. “You know, if you’d just been honest about wanting to buy us a house for a wedding gift, this wouldn’t be so awkward right now.”

“I didn’t think you’d let me do that.”

“No, but we would have gotten a hell of a lot cheaper price on a house that needs some work versus one that has almost all the bells and whistles already installed. Do you have any idea what this place appraised for?”

“No?”

Jason snickers. “I call BS on that one. The numbers just don’t quite match up in that rich-man brain of yours.”

“But you do like it?” Bruce tries, looking to them both with muted intensity. 

“Yeah,” Jason says and Dick nods. “We do.” 

Inspiration strikes and Jason rips the completed appliance list off his notepad to hand to Bruce. “We’ll love it even more if you pay for what’s on this list.”

“Jason!” Dick shouts, but Bruce accepts it with quiet aplomb.

“When do you want to go shopping?”

“How about tomorrow?”

Bruce’s lips quirk into a small smile that he only breaks out when he’s really happy. “Sounds great to me.”


End file.
